By Cathy Maestri
InstantRiverside.com

We couldn’t help but wonder whether the actual athletic competition would feel like an afterthought after watching the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics. It wasn’t the way the hosts one-upped the standard high-tech razzle-dazzle (right down to some computer-generated fireworks, as it turns out) — it was the Busby Berkeley-to-the-nth-degree factor that blew our mind.

If you haven’t watched, make sure you do – click here to seem them online. We thought the most amazing parts were the 2008 Fou drummers who beat their square, lighted instruments in stunning unison and the movable type (which we still can’t quite figure out).

It was actually a little chilling at times — we couldn’t help but feel this was China’s cheerful way of letting us know they can crush us. But even then it was thrilling to watch.

(Note to little Yang Peiyi, whose voice was used in the opening ceremony: We think you’re adorable.)

•Our gripe is that the East Coast gets everything live, but the West Coast is stuck with the traditional three-hour delay. Just because, apparently; it doesn’t seem like the broadcasts would be a disaster if they began at 5 p.m. instead of 8. Out of Michael Phelps’ six medals so far, we’ve accidentally heard about all but the first before the broadcast.

And we’re tired of staying up so late. So is the KNBC-TV news staff — just as we were suspecting that they’d taped the news at 11 and gone home, someone mentioned during a delayed broadcast that the time was 2 a.m.

•As much as we miss the late Jim McKay, Bob Costas is doing a fabulous job — whether it’s juggling events or grilling heads of state. Broadcasting live to a huge audience, he was able to pepper President Bush with tough questions, something no one’s gotten to do lately. (We suspect Bush would rather have talked basketball.)

•We’re starting to feel sorry for all the other swimmers. There’s no beating Phelps’ freakishly huge wing span (6′7″, three inches more than his height). And then he goes and makes it look so darn easy.

•Then there’s gymnastics, perhaps the Olympics’ most unnatural sport. After all, it’s simple enough to see how pretty much every other sport began as friendly competitions. Gymnastics appears to have originated as a dare: Go ahead, try to do a handstand on a really high bar! Here, do a backflip on a handrail!

Yikes.

And a curse upon whoever thought the hands-free moves (a hard crotch landing on the balance beam for the ladies, armpits and elbow crooks on the parallel bars for the men) were good for competition. You can tell that it hurts like hell by their grimaces; we saw a couple men peeling flaps of skin from their biceps when they were done.

•Watching former coach Bela Karoli watch the women’s gymnastic team was more fun than watching the gymnasts.

•Yes, most of the Chinese gymnasts look younger than 16; because they’re tinier, a lot of moves will be easier for them. Then again, they aren’t as experienced. But you’ve got to admit that for little girls, they’ve got a lot of guts.

•Call us old-fashioned, but we’d like to see slightly more modest outfits for some of the competitors. Some offer a little too much information, if you know what we mean. Especially the synchronized divers, who have remarkably pasty complexions for summer-sport athletes. If there’s a wardrobe malfunction there, it isn’t going to be pretty.

•Speaking of synchronized diving, announcer Cynthia Potter sounds so much like Nancy Grace that we keep expecting her to corner someone with a low score and ask them if they know where Caylee is.

•We were, as usual, disappointed with the attidues of the non-gold medalists long before Swedish Greco-Roman wrestler Ara Abrahamian threw his to the ground. Yes, you’ve worked hard and sacrificed everything for years — and you got a medal! Think how many athletes worked just as hard and walked away empty-handed, or didn’t make it to China at all. The Olympics is a heck of a place to be a bad sport.

•We miss the days when profiles were aired of athletes with compelling stories, and not just American athletes. We’ve put in a lot of hours in front of the tube and seen only one on a non-U.S. competitor. And then never saw her compete. There’d be plenty of time if they’d just trim a little of the beach volleyball. (I know the women’s skimpy suits probably boost ratings, but enough is enough.)

•The cameras are getting a little too close on the sidelines of the team gymnastics events. During what’s perhaps the most stressful competition of their lives, they shouldn’t have to be as camera-conscious as someone on a reality show.

•We’d like to point out that two of the people whose records are in those newly released Office of Strategic Services records had been outed long ago. It’s been well documented that Julia Child’s pre-cookery days were spent in government service, although the extend wasn’t widely known. It would be nice if all this attention would persuade someone to bring back reruns of “The French Chef.”

And as for Miles Copeland, father of drummer Stewart Copeland? The elder Copeland was known as a C.I.A. agent for years — after all, Stewart named his band the Police, young Miles called his label the International Record Syndicate (I.R.S.) and their late brother, Ian, was the head of Frontier Booking International (F.B.I.).

•Jackson Browne is suing John McCain because the latter used the decidedly liberal singer-songwriter’s “Running on Empty” in ads mocking Barack Obama’s suggestion that people get their tires inflated to save gas.

•We were trying to avoid reading reviews of last weekend’s All Points West festival, with two nights of Radiohead and the Statue of Liberty as a backdrop, because we were bitter about not going. But according to Billboard, Radiohead was absolutely brilliant — both nights, different sets — and it rained a bit on the third day for Jack Johnson.

Oh well. It’s only a little over eight months until Goldenvoice’s next megafest, our own Coachella.

•They say that deaths come in threes; last weekend we lost comic Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, known for his deep singing voice long before he voiced “South Park’s” Chef. We couldn’t help but wonder if Morgan Freeman, who was recently injured in a car accident, hadn’t dodged fate.

•We can post — just barely — what Rush Limbaugh said about John Edwards’ possible motivation for cheating on his wife, Elizabeth: “It just seems to me that Edwards might be attracted to a woman whose mouth did something other than talk…”

What we wouldn’t dare post is our reaction. Suffice it to say we continue to wonder why anyone continues to listen to this… jerk.